The Small World of the Narcissist

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My Language Arts students are currently finishing up their respective research papers. One of the instructions which I give them is that they are not permitted to use “I,” “me,” or “my” in the text of the paper.

At first, this requirement seems daunting to them: “But what about ‘in my paper’?” “What if I want to say, ‘I think’?” After I explain that those words are not permitted when writing an informational paper about a person, event, or invention, and that concise sentence writing does not need them, they get to work. The bottom line, as they realize, is that the paper is not about them; it is about the subject.

Narcissist: The Root of Other “-ists”

In our society, we hear various “-ists” hurled both as attack weapons and identity markers among ourselves. There is “racist,” “chauvinist,”  “ageist,” “misogynist,” and, the old stand-by “sexist.” Politically, one may identify as “socialist,” “Marxist,” “communist,” “pacifist,” “centrist,” or “leftist.”

With regards to sex, there are more and more varied “-ists” than ever before. There are “homosexists,” “heterosexists,” “monosexists,” and “bisexists,” “transgenderists,” and even “asexists,” and all varieties in between. (Even more disturbing, in my opinion, are “-ists” which refer to the ways in which people prefer to have sex. Readers can look those up for themselves.)

There is one “-ist” which is not on the above list, but which is singularly the root cause of all other “-ists”: narcissist. The narcissist assumes that, first and foremost, the world around him revolves around him, and, second, everyone else in the world deserves and wants to know how and why the world revolves around him. The narcissist spends a great deal of his time, energy, and communication to let us know just how he wants to represent himself, and why it is important that we know. The narcissist also gets angry when, a) we ignore him; b) we point out that, indeed, the world does not revolve around him and he needs to focus on more important things; or c) we show him that his representations are inaccurate and actually harmful to him.

An Example of Selflessness

In my younger life, I was very blessed to have an outstanding employer who taught me so many important lessons about working, organizing my work, dealing with others, successfully taking a project from idea to fruition, and living a full life. The first thing that this man taught me was that I would be much more successful in my work if I never worried about who got credit. He showed me how to actively listen to others and create a positive atmosphere for working with others. He inspired me to learn more about great works of art, beautiful gardens, good food, and to celebrate God’s gifts every day. He loved God, good work, and beauty, and allowed me to see that they all went hand in hand. He challenged me to think outside of the box, because things didn’t have to be done the way they always were.

Finally, my employer was fair, honorable, humble, full of integrity, and always respectful to all. All of his employees loved him dearly and were deeply dedicated to him throughout their years of employment. Not surprisingly, his department was one of the most successful ever in its field, and people still remember him with great affection and awe. He got things done that others were not able to do, and it was fun to work for him.

His private life, however, was just that — private. All we knew was the he was not married, lived quietly, and occasionally traveled with some friends. He chose not to share much more than that, and that was his prerogative. The gossip was that he was gay, but really it didn’t matter. What mattered was that we loved working for him and would give him our all.

What mattered also was that he was anything but a narcissist. For if he had been, we would have never learned from him as we did, and he never would have been as successful as he was. God clearly gave him many gifts, and because he humbly focused on sharing those gifts selflessly and lovingly, we benefited and the organization as a whole flourished.

The Shallow Reflecting Pool

Narcissism is a shallow reflecting pool. There is little deep contemplation about the purpose of one’s life or serving the great needs of others or propagating new ideas because one is far too busy gazing at one’s reflection, demanding that others admire it, and fulminating indignation against those who would disagree. Most disappointing of all is that the rest of the world does not benefit from the God-given gifts which the narcissist has, but wastes, while gazing at his reflection.

This comes to mind because of the prevalence now of people on social media sharing whom or what they identify as, or demanding what they want. They often, unfortunately, are not sharing the gifts and talents God gave them to serve others.

So perhaps you are on Facebook proclaiming that you are a man identifying as a woman, or a woman identifying as a man, or as gay, or bi-sexual, or …. Fair enough, but what are you doing with the rest of the gifts God gave you to, say, help a preborn baby identify as alive, or a refugee identify as welcomed, or an elderly neighbor identify as loved?

Perhaps you are a college student on Instagram bemoaning the lack of “safe spaces” on your campus. As you return to your comfortable dorm room, eat limitless supply of cafeteria cuisine, and study in the quiet of your private library, think about how you are using your God-given talents to help the homeless, the abused, or pregnant women being pressured into abortion to have a “safe space”.

Christ’s Challenge

Christ challenges us to cast out into deeper waters (cf. Luke 5:1-11). We must not remain in the safe introspection of the shallows. He calls us to use the gifts that His Father gave us to serve others, even when we cannot see the whole plan. He calls us to welcome the Holy Spirit to work in and through our lives, even when we will not know the result. He calls us to accept His will, not our own, even when it seems to make no sense at all. He calls us to put ourselves last and others first, because in forgetting ourselves, we find Him.

Most importantly, by doing all that He calls us to do, we truly become whom we are called to be: our best and most complete and most joyful selves. Then we will happily identify ourselves as followers of Christ, in whom we will find the safest place of all.

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18 thoughts on “The Small World of the Narcissist”

  1. retiredconservative

    The best advice for instructing students in writing good prose comes from Lucille Payne’s THE LIVELY ART OF WRITING. In this book, she poses the question:

    Which is the more powerful statement:

    I believe that God exists.

    OR

    God exists.

    Perhaps apprentice student writers might understand the task of academic writing a bit more deeply–and move away from the minuscule world of narcissism–if Language Arts teachers focused on the elements of strong writing instead of a list of don’ts.

    1. RetiredC-I think the case can be made that both statements are powerful-and then there are arguments that each one is the “most” powerful. Just like teaching anything from dancing to how to pull the pin from a grenade to how to be polite in line for lunch to how to do a haiku poem, there are some “don’ts” that always need to be taught along with so much else. Thank you for the suggstion of Ms Payne’s book-will check it out. Guy

    2. retiredconservative

      Mr. McClung, you may have a point. The zeitgeist may have caused great damage to the average reader’s capacity to appreciate elegance and precision in the English language. Witness the loss, in our larger culture, of the use of comparative forms of adjectives or the felicitous use of the dash. I suspect few apprentice writers memorize Strunk & White in the manner of past generations.

    3. Guy, Again you are so kind and spot on!
      I like to think that you have summarized the teaching of our Catholic faith as well. In my religion class, we must, of course, learn the “don’t’s.” The Ten Commandments are a good example. In the end, however, the better lesson comes with the “do’s” which were taught by Jesus Christ. Do love your neighbor as yourself. Have a beautiful day!

  2. Cynthia-Thank you for this fine article about which one can think over the weekend. Were it a research paper or an informational paper, the use of some of the personal pronouns would be out of place; but as it is an inspirational article, your use of these pronouns is not only spot on, but really personalizes it for all who have had similar [perhaps not as well-gelled] thoughts. And-assuming that each person we encounter each day is a gift from God, and a signpost showing the way back to him, let us realize that any and all members of a knot, lump, nest or knob of amphibians are also divine gifts. Guy McClung, San Antonio TX

    1. ” …your use of these pronouns is not only spot on, but really personalizes it “
      Well, yes. That what personal pronouns generally do, Guy.

    2. Thank you Guy for your kind letter.
      Because you explained (better than I would have) why I chose to use personal pronouns in my essay, I don’t need to repeat any explanation.
      Have a wonderful day, and thank you again.
      Cynthia

  3. “With regards to sex, there are more and more varied “-ists” than ever before. There are “homosexists,” “heterosexists,” “monosexists,” and “bisexists,” “transgenderists,” and even “asexists,””
    I’m not familiar with those terms. They are not in my dictionary. Perhaps you meant “homosexuals,” “heterosexuals,” “monosexuals,*” “bisexuals,” “ transsexuals,” and “asexuals,”? But then they wouldn’t “fit” with “narcissists” would they?
    Pity there aren’t any “narcissexuals” I’d like to meet one.Do you know
    any?

    *“Monosexuals”? I think I must be one of them.(Can’t speak for you.)

    1. Hi Todd,
      I found them all in on-line dictionaries. It makes sense as well because the root word “sexist” is so commonly used variation of “sexism,” i.e., the latter being the noun and the form being an adjective form. I have an old Merriam-Webster’s dictionary which doesn’t have the most up to date language additions, so I always check on-line to be correct.
      Check out http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=monosexism
      A person who has adopted a monosexist view believes in monosexism (which holds that humans are either gay or straight).
      Thank you for writing.
      Cynthia

  4. “My Language Arts students are currently finishing up their respective research papers. One of the instructions which I give them is that they are not permitted to use “I,” “me,” or “my” in the text of the paper.”

    Really Cynthia? Maybe you might consider following your own advice?

    “In my younger life, I was very blessed to have an outstanding employer who taught me so many important lessons about working, organizing my work, dealing with others, successfully taking a project from idea to fruition, and living a full life. The first thing that this man taught me was that I would be much more successful in my work if I never worried about who got credit. He showed me etc., etc., and so on.”

    1. The article is about what the author learned. Why wouldn’t personal pronouns be appropriate?

    2. This is not a research paper. It’s an essay. The rules are completely different.

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