Healing for the post-abortive takes time and we can’t possibly bear it too quickly.
I’ve heard people say hindsight is 20/20. No one would argue 20/20 is great, but the vision of hindsight is, as the character Adrian Monk (from the show, ‘Monk’) would say, “It’s a gift…and a curse.” The curse in the equation is the memory of the struggles we’ve been through. More precisely, the choices we’ve made resulting in sin; often grievous sin. The blessing, which hopefully results in sharp-shooter vision, is looking back at where we were and learning from it, seeing God’s hand on us now, and looking ahead to where He would like us to be.
For decades years ago, if God had given me a vision of the person I am today, I would have put on the brakes and said ‘no’ to Him. There would have been no fiat from me. Not because I didn’t want my life to change. Honestly speaking I was desperate for change and healing. I truly didn’t believe I was capable of becoming who I am now, and this thought process wasn’t completely in error. We know that with God, All things are possible.
In my brokenness, however, I knew I was not strong enough and didn’t know our Merciful Lord valued me enough for such a transformation. You see, I am a post-abortive woman, and because of this fact, I didn’t believe I was someone worth redeeming. I was weak and self-destructive. Thankfully, God had His hand on me. Like The Hound of Heaven, He stayed with me until I was ready to look up from the pit I was in and say to Him, “I’m done doing things my way. I don’t know what to do or how to change but I’m giving this and each day to You.”
John 16: 12 says, “I have much more to tell you but you cannot bear it now.”
Day by day the Lord brings balm and healing to the wounded soul. For me, it has been in part, a loving husband who understands my need for mercy, children I did not feel worthy to mother but have been a conduit of God’s abundant mercy and the knowledge that God has a plan for my life. Slowly but surely I have been transformed from the despairing girl, fearful of authentic love and the sacrifice necessary for it, to a woman with a fierce love of the Lord who wants every suffering soul to know their worth in the eyes of God. The truth is, I never could have been transformed by my own merit. Each day begins with a yes, a blindly stepping into the deep, not knowing what the outcome will be; trusting God has a plan He will bring about which is much bigger, much more beautiful than we could ever imagine.
For those who are suffering silently with the sin and stain of abortion, know there are those who are ready to receive you, to love you, to be a conduit of God’s mercy. You can find your voice with trusting people who desire your healing. Retreats are offered for both post-abortive women and men with Rachel’s Vineyard, The Sisters of Life (New York), and many other pro-life organizations. The age of the internet has been a blessing for finding a closed group of men or women with shared experiences. Rather than waiting 10-20 years to share our pain, we are now able to find safe groups within hours of walking out of the abortion mills. One such group (closed and safe) is PATH: Post Abortion Transformation and Healing, and is a safe-haven for women all over the globe to share their pain safely and find encouragement and the love of Christ.
For those who want to help, possibly by praying outside of abortion mills, but are afraid, please know this: All those years ago, no one was praying on the sidewalk the day I walked in for an abortion, and I so wish there had been. I was desperate for someone to help me and give me hope but no one was there. I realize this can be scary…people yell and try to intimidate. There was a day I felt I couldn’t do it because I KNEW what was going on inside of those walls. I didn’t think I could physically stand there without a complete melt-down. Now, however, I can stand, and I can pray, and I can love not only those going in but those poor souls who work in the abortion industry. They are in need of mercy too and Abby Johnson’s ministry, And Then There Were None, is a tremendous help to those who want out.
The gift of hindsight is the knowledge of a savior who will never give up on us, gradually opening our fetid wounds, applying the salve and wrapping us in His swaddling bands of mercy. For those of us who have been damaged by abortion, the healing process can be severe mercy, and one difficult to accept. We are left with so many thoughts of “I wish I knew that…”.
I leave you with some of these thoughts from those who now know. Please pray for them and for the many who are suffering alone, not realizing they are worthy of redemption. Until they find their voice, please consider getting out there and being a voice for them.
I wish I had known God would equip me for whatever comes my way and trusted Him more. I only realized now how my abortion impacted my ability to feel love. To feel unconditional love, something I didn’t feel I deserved but then God broke through my scar covered heart
I wish I had known how to cope. We would have managed but that baby will never get another chance, I stole their future. To any woman considering abortion and thinking it will make everything okay again, it doesn’t, you have to live with your choice and it’s such a painful thing to live with and deal with, even for the strongest of women.
Due to being forced into my abortions at such a young age, I can not carry a child to term. I absolutely hate that I have had to endure the agony of miscarriages and stillbirths. What many people don’t understand is that abortion causes physical harm to the body as well as emotional and mental harm. I am here as living proof, however, that God does heal the scars that have been burned so very deep.
I have found my love in God and not man. I wish I could have seen through the lies. I wish I could tell my babies I love them…and yet, because I have so great a Redeemer, I know that day will come.