Post-Abortion Hindsight

mercy, garden

Healing for the post-abortive takes time and we can’t possibly bear it too quickly.

I’ve heard people say hindsight is 20/20. No one would argue 20/20 is great, but the vision of hindsight is, as the character Adrian Monk (from the show, ‘Monk’) would say, “It’s a gift…and a curse.”  The curse in the equation is the memory of the struggles we’ve been through. More precisely, the choices we’ve made resulting in sin; often grievous sin. The blessing, which hopefully results in sharp-shooter vision, is looking back at where we were and learning from it, seeing God’s hand on us now, and looking ahead to where He would like us to be.

For decades years ago, if God had given me a vision of the person I am today, I would have put on the brakes and said ‘no’ to Him. There would have been no fiat from me. Not because I didn’t want my life to change. Honestly speaking I was desperate for change and healing. I truly didn’t believe I was capable of becoming who I am now, and this thought process wasn’t completely in error. We know that with God, All things are possible.

In my brokenness, however, I knew I was not strong enough and didn’t know our Merciful Lord valued me enough for such a transformation. You see, I am a post-abortive woman, and because of this fact, I didn’t believe I was someone worth redeeming. I was weak and self-destructive. Thankfully, God had His hand on me. Like The Hound of Heaven, He stayed with me until I was ready to look up from the pit I was in and say to Him, “I’m done doing things my way. I don’t know what to do or how to change but I’m giving this and each day to You.”

John 16: 12 says, “I have much more to tell you but you cannot bear it now.”

Healing

Day by day the Lord brings balm and healing to the wounded soul. For me, it has been in part, a loving husband who understands my need for mercy, children I did not feel worthy to mother but have been a conduit of God’s abundant mercy and the knowledge that God has a plan for my life. Slowly but surely I have been transformed from the despairing girl, fearful of authentic love and the sacrifice necessary for it, to a woman with a fierce love of the Lord who wants every suffering soul to know their worth in the eyes of God.  The truth is, I never could have been transformed by my own merit. Each day begins with a yes, a blindly stepping into the deep, not knowing what the outcome will be; trusting God has a plan He will bring about which is much bigger, much more beautiful than we could ever imagine.

Suffering

For those who are suffering silently with the sin and stain of abortion, know there are those who are ready to receive you, to love you, to be a conduit of God’s mercy. You can find your voice with trusting people who desire your healing. Retreats are offered for both post-abortive women and men with Rachel’s Vineyard, The Sisters of Life (New York), and many other pro-life organizations. The age of the internet has been a blessing for finding a closed group of men or women with shared experiences. Rather than waiting 10-20 years to share our pain, we are now able to find safe groups within hours of walking out of the abortion mills. One such group (closed and safe) is PATH: Post Abortion Transformation and Healing, and is a safe-haven for women all over the globe to share their pain safely and find encouragement and the love of Christ.

Mercy

For those who want to help, possibly by praying outside of abortion mills, but are afraid, please know this: All those years ago, no one was praying on the sidewalk the day I walked in for an abortion, and I so wish there had been. I was desperate for someone to help me and give me hope but no one was there. I realize this can be scary…people yell and try to intimidate. There was a day I felt I couldn’t do it because I KNEW what was going on inside of those walls. I didn’t think I could physically stand there without a complete melt-down. Now, however, I can stand, and I can pray, and I can love not only those going in but those poor souls who work in the abortion industry. They are in need of mercy too and Abby Johnson’s ministry, And Then There Were None, is a tremendous help to those who want out.

Post-Abortion Hindsight

The gift of hindsight is the knowledge of a savior who will never give up on us, gradually opening our fetid wounds, applying the salve and wrapping us in His swaddling bands of mercy. For those of us who have been damaged by abortion, the healing process can be severe mercy, and one difficult to accept. We are left with so many thoughts of “I wish I knew that…”.

I leave you with some of these thoughts from those who now know. Please pray for them and for the many who are suffering alone, not realizing they are worthy of redemption. Until they find their voice, please consider getting out there and being a voice for them.

I wish I had known God would equip me for whatever comes my way and trusted Him more. I only realized now how my abortion impacted my ability to feel love. To feel unconditional love, something I didn’t feel I deserved but then God broke through my scar covered heart

I wish I had known how to cope. We would have managed but that baby will never get another chance, I stole their future. To any woman considering abortion and thinking it will make everything okay again, it doesn’t, you have to live with your choice and it’s such a painful thing to live with and deal with, even for the strongest of women.

Due to being forced into my abortions at such a young age, I can not carry a child to term. I absolutely hate that I have had to endure the agony of miscarriages and stillbirths. What many people don’t understand is that abortion causes physical harm to the body as well as emotional and mental harm. I am here as living proof, however, that God does heal the scars that have been burned so very deep.

I have found my love in God and not man. I wish I could have seen through the lies. I wish I could tell my babies I love them…and yet, because I have so great a Redeemer, I know that day will come.

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6 thoughts on “Post-Abortion Hindsight”

  1. A brilliantly poetic piece of writing and a grace-filled testimony, Betty. You capture perfectly the journey from grief to healing and share your story with such compassion that I know there are others who will read this and find the peace of Christ. Isn’t is amazing that God can take us in our brokenness and raise us up from the ashes of our mistakes and sin until we stand before him as beautiful redeemed children. It is a joy to connect with you, even though I have no real experience to compare with yours. I have met other women who have gone through this journey and their beauty and strength of character that was transformed in the fire of God’s love comes shining through, just like it does with you. Thank you for sharing this wonderful article. God bless!

  2. Dear Betty, I have always thought that – standing and praying at abortion businesses – the bravest people there are the mothers who holdup the signs that say SILENT NO MORE and I REGRET MY ABORTION. On several occasions I have heard Pat Pulliam tell her story, and many times I have knelt and prayed with her, and to me what she does is one of the most courageous human actions I have ever experienced. I cannot imagine how many people she has touched and how many babies she has saved.

    You and your child are alive, now. Not only now, but forever. To paraphrase C.S. Lewis, neither you nor your child are mere mortals. This life that you have left is the mere blink/wink of an eye compared to your eternity together.

    God bless you and keep you always safe in the palm of His hand. And Deo Gratias! for your courage.

    Guy McClung, Texas

    “WonderLove”
    by Guy McClung, Jun 12, 2015, Catholic Lane

    When I softly sing a lullaby alone to you,
    I wonder if in heaven you can hear.
    When I whisper that I love you love you now,
    I wonder if you’ll ever want me near.

    When I try to touch your tiny cheeks and hands,
    I wonder if in heaven you can feel.
    When I try to put my finger on your lips,
    I wonder if I’ll ever really heal.

    When I say my love’s now there alive in you,
    I wonder if in heaven you can know
    That now I want so much to be with you,
    And your love, your child-like love, can make it so.

    If my falling tears could cascade upon your smile,
    I wonder if you’d know each hour I grieve.
    If once again with me you could live,
    Will you wonder why I ever made you leave?

    When my long and well-earned penance has been done,
    I wonder if you’ll say “I forgive.”
    When our Father tells you I have new life from His Son,
    I hope you’ll say “Mama, you can live.”

    Copyright © Guy McClung 2015

    1. THAT is beautiful Guy McClung! Brought me to good tears. Is there music to this? If not, I believe there should be and I’d love to sing it. Thank you for your kind words. The healing God has begun in my has been profound and He’s not done with me yet. I pray daily for other suffering souls, regardless of the source of their pain to intimately know God’s mercy.

  3. Thank you Birgit! God’s ocean of mercy is inexhaustible and I’m so thankful to be able to share it. Thanks for spreading the message.

  4. God bless you! What a heartfelt and powerful message of hope you have given – both to your sisters and to those who work to reach them. I have shared your message with my readers and know much good will come from your brave steps forward. Know that you are loved, by our loving God and by people like me.

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