I am a relatively new Catholic, a man who Christ has saved not only from drugs and alcohol but from a awful past. I have experienced the mercy of God first hand. In the book “Walking with Jesus: A Way Forward for the Church”, Pope Francis sees faith as a journey which emphasizes the mercy and love of God for all, especially the poor, the marginalized and the sinner. The pope states that”No one is excluded from life’s hope, from God’s love”. My life is a testimony to the truth of the pope’s words.
Faced With the Question of Abortion
The other day, while a young woman was discussing with me whether to have an abortion or not, she suddenly asked me to please keep my mouth shut. I’m a man, so I obviously have no clue what a woman goes through when trying to decide if an abortion is the best option for her. I lowered my head. Walking away seemed to be the safest option.
The young woman had a point. Besides, I wasn’t ready to bring up the past. After over 16 years, it still hurts. Other than family, there weren’t many people who know my experience with abortion. Now that I’m known as a Catholic writer, have a degree in theology, and do the best I can to represent Jesus, why would I want to bring up such a controversial topic? Because I need to.
Writing About My Mistakes
There are few things in my life I’ve hidden during my writing career. I have mentioned my addiction to alcohol and drugs in almost every article I write. I do my best to try and help other Christian men who are going through situations I’ve battled in the past. Writings on topics such as cheating on my wife and being a deadbeat father have won awards for most inspiring articles a handful of times. But abortion? Surely a line has to be drawn somewhere? How in the world could I write about that in a way others will see helpful? Here’s the thing. I’m not trying to be helpful right now. I’m trying to say something I’ve needed to say for a very long time. Writing’s the only way I know how to accomplish that.
For the record, I converted to the Catholic Church in October of last year. I fell in love with Jesus, started writing about Scripture, and began calling myself a Christian in 2012 while living at a faith-based home for men battling addiction in Jacksonville Beach, Florida.
The following took place in 2002. I don’t bring up how long it’s been to try and sound better than anyone. There’s no better or worse than when it comes to abortion. I just needed to see in writing how long it’s been. That’s funny. I just realized that’s the same time when I first began blackout drinking on a regular basis.
We all have that one person who our heart tells us got away. Regardless of how old you are or how long it’s been, there’s that one person we still catch our mind drifting off towards every now and then. Don’t worry. Your spouse won’t know who you’re thinking about unless you tell them. For the sake of anonymity, I’m not going to mention a name either.
Towards the end of 2001, I was a mess. I knew who Jesus was and what He accomplished on the cross, but that was as far as my spirituality went. Sure, I prayed every day. “Please God, don’t let me get arrested drinking and driving today. Please just let me make it home to bed.”
During this time, I was involved in a relationship that was spiralling out of control. I was young and had a girlfriend who was even younger. We had a daughter already and were expecting a son in the middle of April. We weren’t married. Didn’t even live together at that time. She lived at home with her parents. I lived with my grandmother. That’s when I met her. The girl who was going to teach me how to become a man. The girl who made the world stand still every time I saw her.
I had lived the majority of my life in a small community in northern Indiana. This girl grew up and lived several hours away from me. But, she went to college 15 minutes from where I lived. When we met, she was a freshman attending the small university on a soccer scholarship. Obviously, when she found out she was pregnant, in her mind, it was either a baby or school. I already had a daughter and was expecting a son. Her family made sure she knew it was child number three for me and the odds were it wasn’t going to be easy. The scholarship won and the relationship ended.
The Abortion Haunts Me
Although it’s easy to say I was already drinking alcoholically, it became even worse. I said everything I could to stop the abortion. I didn’t know much about Jesus at the time, but I knew what she wanted to do was wrong in my mind. I didn’t know how to respond. Someone was going to willingly kill my child. Drinking kept the fact in the back of my mind. She knew how I felt about the situation. What caught her off guard were the hurtful names I called her and the statements that came along with them. If I’m being honest, and not just trying to be a positive writer, I don’t know what I’d say or call her today. Time’s gone by. Healing has taken place. But, I’m the parent of a baby who was killed before it had a chance.
I wonder a lot what color of hair he or she would have had? Would he or she have been an athlete like their mom? Or would they have been a book nerd like me? I can’t even say he or she because it was killed before I got to find out. I have to use stupid words like they or it.
Normally, this is where I like to wrap an article up and be helpful to others. I don’t know what to say to a woman considering abortion. My heart melts for the men, or boys in my case, who can do nothing but sit and hope she changes her mind. Especially those who aren’t close to Jesus and don’t know how to pray. But, what I can do is tell you to email me here so I can pray for you. What you’re going to go through is going to suck. No, it’s not going to get easier as you get older. And it shouldn’t. An innocent child has been murdered.
I need you to know something. If this is something you’ve been through, Jesus still loves you. He wants you to talk to Him about it. I don’t know how to tell you to heal. But He can. Also, if you’re one of the people who is going to read this and tell me it disqualifies me from writing about the Bible, I’d like to hear from you as well. That way I know who to pray for because their understanding of the Gospel has been led so far off by someone else.