Prudence and Scrupulosity

The scrupulous man excels at avoiding prudence. He doesn’t want to make judgment calls for fear of being wrong, and he is (perhaps secretly) proud of not having made bad decisions. He is like a hiker who, preferring clean clothes to reaching the end of the trail, goes nowhere.

Unfortunately for us scrupulous people, life – particularly life in Christ – calls for exercising prudence. How do you approach a co-worker who expresses an interest in the faith? How do you know when to propose? How do you inform your boss that he’s misguided in what the Church actually teaches? How do you tell a parent that you’re concerned about the development of her child? How easygoing should you be about – well, anything, and when should you put your foot down about it? We scrupulous people don’t want to say the wrong thing, and it’s such a paralyzing force we often simply avoid the situation.

God gave us a job to do, and we have to stop avoiding it for fear of not doing it perfectly. Let’s take a look at the gospels.

Matthew 25. Jesus tells the parable of the man entrusting his talents to his servants, according to their ability. The first two servants put their talents to use. They took risks and tried a few things, and in the end are called “good and faithful servants.” The third servant was afraid of getting it wrong, so he avoided making a decision about his talent – he just buried it in the ground to keep it safe. We all know what happened to him.

Of course, the story doesn’t tell us what would happen to a servant who traded with the talent and lost money on it – and that’s exactly the fear we scrupulous people live with. We focus too much on the talent and not enough on the servant’s heart. That’s our problem.

Let’s say a four-year-old loves you so much she picks the prettiest flower she can find and gives it to you – and let’s say that, with her four-year-old tastes, she chose a weed flower, or something you were allergic to. Do you still feel loved, even though she “got it wrong”? Of course. It’s not about the flower; it’s about the love. She got the “love” part exactly right.

Mother Teresa said, “God does not call us to be successful. He calls us to be faithful.” Back in the day when I wondered if eating a cookie on a random Tuesday in Ordinary Time could be a mortal sin (maybe God was calling me to be one of those saints who do extreme penances – you never know!), I confessed my angst to a holy priest. “I know this is stupid, Father, but I don’t know how to handle these situations.” His advice applies, also, to indecisive paralysis of greater importance, all those prudential judgments we’d rather avoid.

“Make a decision, then say, ‘God, I think this is your will,’ then do it.”

No way. I asked the obvious question: “But what if I get it wrong?”

I could almost see Father shrugging behind the confessional screen. He told me: “Then go to confession.”

Now, sin is a serious matter, and we shouldn’t pretend otherwise, but it is possible to take sin too seriously, or to take it seriously in the wrong way. After that confession, a few things dawned on me:

1. Jesus is not out to get you.

2. If you want to do God’s will, that’s great; God also wants you to do his will. If you are consistently praying that he will show you his will, he will either (a) show you or (b) not hold you accountable for it. God is utterly reasonable. We are called to listen to God and obey his words, not read his mind. (In fact, it’s presumptuous to think we could read his mind.)

3. Fear and anxiety are the devil’s weapons. Pressure is the tool of someone who’s insecure and knows he’s already lost the war. Feelings of angst, worry, confusion, doubt, and paralysis do not come from God. From St. Francis de Sales (whose Letters of Spiritual Direction I highly recommend for anyone struggling with scrupulosity):

“No thoughts which cause us disquiet and agitation come from God who is Prince of Peace; they are, rather, temptations of the enemy, and therefore we must reject them and take no notice of them.”

4. If the situation isn’t under your control, that doesn’t mean it’s out of control. Pray about it – a quick prayer if it’s urgent, time in the chapel if it can wait. Then give it your best shot. Do what seems best, even if you aren’t certain. If you think you got it wrong, remember the little girl with the flower – if you did it out of love, you got it right, even if it doesn’t look like it. God has his eye on things.

5. You can’t sin by accident, and the second-best choice won’t kill you. Do what you can and trust that God will work out the details.

Out of the hundreds of detailed commandments from the Old Testament, Jesus said the most important were to love God above all else, and to love our neighbors. God can read our hearts, so if we “get it wrong,” he still knows we love him. “There is no fear in love,” (1 John 4:18).

Don’t panic. He loves you and wants you to be happy – and free.

© 2013. Mary C. Tillotson. All Rights Reserved.