When Good Catholics Are Bad People Part II

In part I, we looked at what forgiveness was and wasn’t. But along with prayer and receiving the Sacraments for aid, how can we put it into practice?

In his book Forgive For Good, Luskin gives a number of strategies:

1)  Don’t confuse a lack of motivation to forgive with an unforgivable offense.

If you were offered a check for twenty billion dollars, provided you did not think any negative thoughts about a person, did not let them take root, etc., and knew the check would disappear if they did take root, could you stop yourself then?

Is personal peace inside you & with God worth more?

If the answer is “yes, I could stop under those conditions, or others,” then you can forgive.

2)   Figure out what does and does not work.

“I’ve tried everything.” Ok, try writing out what you’ve tried. Often new ideas will come.

If it’s an ongoing problem, there are many ideas that can work. Counselors can help here.

If, say, you have a relative or co-worker who turns every gathering into a Church- bashing session, you have a number of options at your disposal:

1. a) Change the subject. In so doing, you both get to move back to having a good time with your dignity intact.
2. b) Excuse yourself. They may keep talking, but you moving away speaks volumes more than your arguing would.
3. c) Silence. Saint Thomas More didn’t speak against his king’s illicit marriage. Known to be one of the few honest judges in England, his silence roared throughout England more than his words ever could have.
4. d) Name the game. Done with tact and calmness, it works wonders. “It seems you’re framing me against you in this- how about I invite you back to having a good time?”

3) Find the good in your life.

“If anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)”

You have had it rough. If you didn’t, forgiveness would be easy. You will be happier if you balance out the out the garbage and the rough parts of your life with thoughts on the good things in your life today.

If you can’t think of much, bring more positive experiences into your life; it makes the hurts diminish in importance.

4) Recognize: People are flawed

We expect a lot from our priests. This is normal. They’ve been called to stand for Christ Himself. And when they let us down emotionally, it can hurt a great deal.

But consider the Apostles. They had Jesus right in front of them for three years. Even so, eleven out of twelve either ditched or betrayed Jesus (or both!) when things went bad.

We make much out of Judas’ sin against Jesus. But consider: Peter didn’t just abandon Christ, but also betrayed Him. And not once, but three times. It could be argued that Peter’s sin was greater than that of Judas, since Judas only betrayed Christ once.

If the apostles hurt Jesus, it’s easier to see how Father Smith could also hurt you and others. It’s not because he’s vindictive or cruel, not because the Church is evil or a sham, and not because God plays favorites and you aren’t one of them.

He does this because he’s a person, and therefore broken.

When dealing with Father Smiths in the world, Christ is our model. He didn’t wait for Peter to ask for forgiveness. He forgave Him and restored him to his office as Pope.

5) Recognize and change your UnEnforcible Rules (UERs), from rules to

Even people we like and who like us will do things we do not like. Such people break what Luskin terms “Un-Enforcible Rules”, or UERs for short.

A UER can take many forms.

“My children should be grateful for what I’ve done for them.”

“My business partner should be trustworthy all the time.”

“People should treat me as well as I’ve treated them.”

These are examples of UERs, very reasonable expectations we have of others that people will violate, and that we can do nothing to enforce.

The ideal solution? According to Luskin, consider a cop in a broken down police car. The cop can either get frustrated while speeders whizz by that he cannot arrest, or instead pray, catch up on paperwork or do something else constructive.

Even better: Recognize the UERs in your life, and change them from rules to hopes.

i.e. Switch from: “My business partner must be trustworthy all of the time” to “I always hope that I can trust those I do business with.”

6) Replace your grievance story with a hero story

A major obstacle to forgiveness is the grievance story we tell in our head. Instead, tell a new story, one in which you are the hero who overcomes hurt to live a happy, productive, emotionally satisfying & above all, a holy life. Caveat: don’t include the offender getting ‘their just desserts’. This puts the focus back on them and what you want to befall them.

7) Boundaries are healthy.

Many mistake setting boundaries as a lack of forgiveness.

Quite the opposite is true. Healthy people set boundaries, said one counselor I talked to. A quote from a  meme sums it up well, too:

 “I’m mature enough to forgive you.  But I’m not dumb enough to trust you again.”

Forgiving someone who has hurt you does not mean they automatically gain the right to your home, children, time, resources, physical presence or emotional life. Setting a boundary does not mean you have not forgiven them. Setting a boundary means there is an area where trust has been damaged, and may or may not be restored.

Love can be unconditional. But sometimes trust has to be earned.

8) Google the Saints on forgiveness.

”If a man finds it very hard to forgive injuries, let him look at a Crucifix.”  -Saint Philip Neri

“The patient man goes through a great and salutary purgatory…when he prays readily for his enemies and forgives offenses from his heart.”  -Thomas a Kempis, The Imitation of Christ

And, most important of all:

“Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)